Back in the day, the fact was that almost all fantasy players were really into the game. “Fantasy Dorks,” we were called by those not gifted enough to play. A guy who talked about fantasy sports was mocked with such taunts as, “he definitely has no girlfriend,” and similar barbs. My, my how times have changed! Now everyone has at least one team, and some are so obsessed with fantasy sports they are well overdue for their own support group.
Being one of those aforementioned ‘fantasy dorks’ with way too much time on my hands, I have gone beyond studying the game to studying the players themselves, and, given my affinity for the movie Reservoir Dogs, I will sometimes assign names to other owners in fantasy baseball leagues. And much like Joe, who ran the show in Tarantino’s masterpiece, I don’t allow people to pick their names, although mine are based more on your performance, not random colors. You might not always run into all of these people in every league, but I’d be willing to bet you’ll get two or three every time.
Mr. Add & Drop—Almost every league has this guy, and some have more than one. Mr. Add & Drop does exactly what his name says, adds and drops players with all the discretion of your proverbial drunken sailor. I’m talking two or three moves on a daily basis. There was a guy in one league I played in last year that had 70 moves before the season even started! All this type of player is doing is recycling one free agent after another, trying to hit that one prize that he can actually use. And when they actually do score a winner, all you’ll hear is them shout to the rooftops about how they knew all along that he was going to be a diamond in the rough, and how smart they were for picking up that player when they did! Can you say blind squirrel? Give your team members a longer leash before they find themselves on the chopping block. You can identify this fan by his unique appreciation of the way George Steinbrenner handled managers or Donald Snyder handles, well just about everyone.
Mr. Disappearing Drafter—My least favorite player. This character is the one who comes to the draft, is about as successful as a Alaskan ice cube salesman, then a month into the season find themselves in dead last and you never hear from them again. They don’t ever check back in, and they don’t replace people that are injured. Their average daily lineup has more holes in it than the Golden State Warriors’ defense, and their players are completely out of the game as you can’t trade with this person because they don’t play. This player can normally be spotted wearing either Kansas City Royals, Kansas City Chiefs, or Sacramento Kings gear.
Mr. 2005 All-Star Team—He’s very excited about where Torii Hunter landed in free agency, because he’s got a roster spot for him. This is generally a player that doesn’t spend a bunch of their time keeping up with their fantasy baseball. They were really upset with Chipper Jones’ decision to retire because he was the cornerstone of his keeper league, and didn’t Alfonso Soriano hit 30+ homers just last year? He has no idea what a Clown Question is bro, but you can spot these guys at the draft because they are usually wearing an ’80s hair-band concert shirt.
Mr. 2018 All-Star Team—the opposite of Mr. 2005 is Mr. 2018. He will of course have either Mike Trout or Bryce Harper, but will also include Wilin Rosario, Dylan Bundy, Adam Eaton, Jurickson Profar, and Jedd Gyorko on this team. It is vital for a championship team to have some of these guys sprinkled around their roster, but oh no, Mr. 2013 has them all…and he’s in eighth place. Rookies are nice, but usually inconsistent. Loading up on them is not a good strategy. Normally, they can be seen wearing a Mike Olt jersey.
Mr. Hometown Hero—This one seems to involve Yankee fans an awful lot of the time. You can tell who this person’s favorite team is by looking at his roster for two seconds. It is loaded with players from one specific team, and the holes are filled by guys who USED to play for that team. You don’t see this a lot with Astros or Cubs fans. Let’s face it, after Jose Altuve and Anthony Rizzo there isn’t a lot to get excited about with those clubs. But Mr. Hometown Hero Yankee fan will have Sabathia, Teixeira, Gardner, Cano, Rivera, Jeter, and of course this year will even have the new addition of Kevin Youkilis. The good part about this player is that if you happen to be lucky enough to get one of their favorite team’s players, you can usually milk them and get much more than their value back in a trade. They are easily identifiable by the NY jersey with the big blue No. 2 on the back.
Do you have anymore players that I forgot?
Are you preparing for your draft? Have you already drafted? Need trade advice? Feel free to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and I will answer you within 18 hours. Also, you can follow me on Twitter @fightingchance for updates, news, and maybe a laugh or two……but no promises on the last one.