The unsavory yet likely starters for Week 1

Draft season is about to kick into high gear as the sizzle of summer bar-b-ques fades away. Despite dreaming of the wafting smell of charcoal and chicken, we're slowly getting back into our bagged lunches and school-year dinner routines. Less satisfying, if not downright unsavory options are being served as we stare bleakly out our windows at the fading summer. 

Hope spins eternal once again as we indulge in nachos, wings, and the dreams of a Fantasy Football Championship in 2024. The road trip to Titletown might have a few unsavory snacks, however, the unsavory can lead us to sweetness. As we build our fake football teams with some real meat and potatoes, sometimes we've got to add a few artichoke hearts to get us there. Here are a few players that might leave a fishy taste on your team, but are likely to contribute to a solid week one start.

Salty Quarterbacks

Sam Darnold - Minnesota Vikings

The quarterback who was made famous for his "seeing ghosts" quote as he was mic'd up on a 2019 Monday Night Matchup. Sam Darnold is a resurrected spirit starting on his fourth team in five seasons. However, there is some good pizza under those anchovies. Justin Jefferson, (not seriously injured) Jordan Addison, and Aaron Jones are about as good of a supporting cast as Darnold had last season as a backup in San Francisco. Moreover, Darnold's limited play in 10 games last year yielded a 60% completion average, going 28 of 46 for 297 yards, two touchdowns, one interception plus 21 carries for 15 yards, and a rushing touchdown with six sacks. This year's Week 1 match-up features a New York Giants team defense ranked 26th last season and 31st in sacks. The Giants also have a new Defensive Coordinator and two rookies in their secondary. If you need a startable, but unpalatable quarterback, Darnold might get you a win in Week 1.

Rubbery Running Backs

Ezekiel Elliott - Dallas Cowboys

Jerry Jones and P.T. Barnum believe that there's a sucker born every minute. There's a broad consensus the lead-back for fantasy in Dallas at the end of 2024 is Rico Dowdle. That doesn't mean head coach Mike McCarthy's robotic husk operated by Jones won't want to run Ezekiel Elliott hard for old-times sake. The Cowboys travel to Cleveland in Week 1 to face the second-best projected defense in the NFL. The game script may not matter in this one, because Zeke could salt away a game, run out a bad loss, or punch in a game-winning touchdown with a Circus Peanuts-flavored 15/45/2 line that can win you a Week 1 matchup.

Wilted Wide Receivers

Jakobi Meyers - Las Vegas Raiders

Jakobi Meyers is like a Little Caesar’s Hot N Ready. It’s not a good pizza, but for $7.99 you know you’re going to get something that’s palatable fast. Sure, a Florida man or potentially one of the other four mugshots on the Raiders quarterback depth chart is serving those pizzas, but you’re forgetting what establishment you’re at. You know what you’re getting, and sometimes you might even get eight touchdowns of pepperoni for the same 70-ish catch, 800-ish yard, 11th-12th round price of $7.99. We’ve banked on that same stat line his whole career. The best part of Jakobi, Jakobi? It’s going to be there all season.

Tepid Tight Ends

David Njoku - Cleveland Browns

Tight ends and kickers are positions that either get expensive draft capital on household names or store-brand generics. David Njoku is a lot like some curly fries out of your own air fryer. Is it fresh McDonalds fries? Of course not, but you saw that bag in the freezer while perusing the waiver wire and you were rewarded with 390 yards and four touchdowns in his Joe Flacco-era. Deshaun Watson may be back, but a Week 1 start against a tough Dallas secondary may yield one more acceptable plate of frozen potato goodness.

Bonus Stinky Defense/Special Teams 

New York Giants

For all of the reasons I mentioned Sam Darnold at the top, there could easily be a defensive struggle. Return yards, sacks, and turnovers could lead the Giants to a 1-0 start to the season. Call it a gift from the fantasy gods for doing the right thing and focusing on important positions when the home leagues are drafting the Baltimore Ravens in the seventh round.

Matt Miles can be found on X under @dirtyairfc where he's watching cars go fast and turn left or watching the Phillies disappoint once again.