2017 Five Game Parlay - Week 1
Welcome everyone to the Five Game Parlay 2017 edition. For those of you who may be new to this article, allow me to explain how this works. There are five of us. We are each going to pick five NFL games against the points spread, and we will track the standings throughout the season to see who indeed will take home the title as the best predictor of the year. Here are our participants:
Ryan Hallam – the founder of Fighting Chance Fantasy was the runaway winner last season. Few people love football as much as me but outside of last year I generally really suck at picking games.
Steve Rapin – my partner in crime has yet to win this competition, but is always around the top of the standings. He is always a bridesmaid though so don’t put too much stock in his picks
Patrick Wisniewski – the newest member of the Fighting Chance Fantasy team, Patrick is an Armed Forces veteran who walks to the beat of his own drummer. He is passionate about football and swear words and I can’t wait to see how he does this season.
Ron Higgins – my boy Ron jumps into the foray of the Parlay for the first time. A die hard Steelers fan, Ron loves the NFL and will look to make an immediate impact in the Parlay. Can a rookie win the competition? Unlikely.
Sawyer Rapin – Steve’s four year old son is competing in this competition again. The foul mouthed toddler hasn’t come close to winning yet, but his biting wit and ruthless smack talk almost make him a reader’s favorite. Follow him on Twitter @milkfromthetap. And yes, that means a nipple.
Without further ado, here are the picks.
It's been two years since those sumbitches allowed me to do this parlay contest and a lot has changed in those two years. First, I'm now four years old and doing the preschool thing. Chicks dig an educated man. Secondly, I figured out what YouTube is and it's opened my eyes to a wide world around me. From Minecraft videos, to animals doing silly things, to strippers...errr, I mean people stripping the packaging off of toys, it is a wonderful world we all live in. Finally, being four years old, I am now out of diapers. Don't worry though. While that big goon, Steve no longer has to change my diapers, he is still my bitch as I have him wipe my butt when I'm finished. I could do it myself, but I love seeing the complete look of total despair on his sad, fat face as he's forced to do it. Yup, life is good.
While some things have changed, some things have remained the same. I'm still the same jerk I was two years ago. To prove it, I'm going to make my first week's selections as the opposite of the favorite team of all these other jabronis in the contest. Good luck chumps!
Arizona Cardinals (-2) over Detroit Lions. My dad likes the Lions and I love watching him hate life after they disappoint him every year.
Carolina Panthers (-5.5) over San Francisco 49ers. I blame Ryan for not having me in the Parlay last season, so I hope his 49ers go 4-12 this season. Why not 0-16? Well, then they would get the overall first pick in the draft next year and I don't want to give him that satisfaction.
Denver Broncos (-3.5) over LA Chargers. I don't know this Pat dude, but I heard he likes, or at least to like the Chargers. I'm glad they left your favorite city.
Cleveland Browns (+9) over Pittsburgh Steelers. I also don't know who Ronald is, but with a name like that, I expect him to bring me a happy meal next time I visit his restaurant.
Jacksonville Jaguars (+6) over Houston Texans. In case you haven't noticed, I kind of have a lot of hate in my little heart, so much like "God", I'm going to spread a little hate to the city of Houston.
Pittsburgh Steelers -9 over Cleveland Browns. Let’s go ahead and get this one of the way early. I’m a HUGE Steelers fan! I’ve been a fan since I was old enough to know what football was! I mean, on my wedding day my wife and I were introduced to the world for the first time while Wiz Khalifa’s Black and Yellow played! The Steelers are playing a Cleveland D that is without the overall #1 pick of the 2017 draft, Myles Garrett. On top of that, Ben is back, Brown is back and Bell is back….FINALLY!
Dallas Cowboys -4 over New York Giants. As previously stated, I am a lifelong Steelers fan. As such, I have grown accustomed to fighting battles for people who have allegedly done so downright terrible, awful, appalling things! Things that would automatically make me NEVER want to be friends with said people! However, I am neither a lawyer nor a judge so I am not fit to judge the actions of others. That being said, Ezekiel Elliott will be taking the field for one week before serving his six game suspension. I believe that Elliott will have a chip on his shoulder and something to prove this week alongside Dak, Dez and the rest of the Boyz (See? I’m cool!) as they battle their division rival New York football Giants.
Atlanta Falcons -7 over Chicago Bears. Poor Falcons! I still remember sitting at Ryan’s house watching the Big Game, Falcons up 25 with only minutes left in the 3rd quarter thinking to myself “Man, there is no WAY the Falcons are going to lose this one!” Yeah. My bad Falcons. They’ll start their long road to redemption in Chicago where the Bears finished the 2016 season 4th in the NFC North. With the arm of Matt Ryan, the hands of Julio Jones and the feet of Devonta Freeman, Atlanta seems poised to retain their NFC South division title.
Carolina Panthers -5.5 over San Francisco 49ers. Sorry Ryan, but I’m here to pick winners and I think Superman Cam and the Panthers will do just that in San Francisco! Whether or not you agree that the Dab is no longer “hot in the streets”, we can ALL agree that Cam is a threat every time he jogs on to the field. On the other side of the ball, finally Julius Peppers has come BACK to Carolina! (Bonus points if you read that last line in the voice of 90s wrestling superstar turned Hollywood MEGAstar Mr. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson!) Not to mention one of the best TE in game in Greg Olsen. (Editors Note: Ron is no longer invited to my house on Sunday with the NFL Sunday Ticket. Enjoy the local channels!)
Cincinnati Bengals -3 over Baltimore Ravens. Third time’s the charm; I’m still a Steelers fan. That hasn’t changed. I don't like to wish ill on anyone r have someone get seriously hurt or injured BUT if a divine being saw it fit to make it so both the Cincinnati Bengals and the Baltimore Ravens were unable to compete Week 1 and BOTH recorded a loss I would lose no sleep. Since all my years of wishing have yet to make this happen, I believe that the combo of Andy Dalton, A.J. Green and Tyler Eifert will be too much for a Baltimore squad that finished last season .500 with a record of 8-8 to overcome. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to induce vomiting to purge my body of all the toxins this last pick has given me...
Atlanta Falcons -7 over Chicago Bears. It's Ryan here. Patrick is working on some of our hockey coverage so he sent me some quick notes on his picks. The first one was the Falcons where he said he picked them because Bears lick his hairy bag.
Oakland Raiders +2.5 over Tennessee Titans. These are two teams that Patrick each chose to win the division. This one looks to be a close one, but you'd have to have your head up your ass not to take the Raiders when they are getting points.
New York Giants +4 over Dallas Cowboys. Patrick did say that the asshole woman beater Ezekiel Elliott might have avoided suspension, but the Giants held that douche in check twice last year. Eli Manning will bounceback and the Giants win this one outright.
NY Jets (-9) over Buffalo Bills. I know the Jets are a bad football team, but honestly, I don't see Buffalo as a football club that should be nine points better than anyone. Other than LeSean McCoy, I'm not impressed with anyone on the Bills offense. Even with Sheldon Richardson no longer on the Jets, their run defense is still one of the bright spots of this team, so while I think Buffalo will win this one, I think it will be a lot closer than most people think.
Houston Texans (-6) over Jacksonville Jaguars. This one seems simple to me. This will be an emotional season for the Texans as they try and recover from the devastation of Hurricane Harvey, and those emotions will lead them to a really good season. Throw in the fact that I see the Houston defense intercepting Blake Bortles 14 times and it spells a blowout in Week 1 for the Texans.
LA Rams (-3.5) over Indianapolis Colts. Without Andrew Luck, the Colts are not a good team. I have a hard time seeing them moving the ball effectively against the Rams either on the ground, with an aging Frank Gore, or in the air, with Scott Tolzien under center. The Rams have moved on from the boring Jeff Fisher, and replaced him with offensive mastermind, Sean McVay, and I see the Rams being a much improved offense in 2017. I see this one ending in a 24-10 game in favor of the Rams.
New Orleans Saints (+3.5) over Minnesota Vikings. I'm not sure this one could be scripted any better. After spending his entire career with the Vikings, in Adrian Peterson's first ball game not playing for Minnesota, he gets to visit them on Monday Night Football. While I don't necessarily see Peterson being a workhorse back all year, I think the Saints give him ample opportunity to beat up on his old club. I know that Drew Brees doesn't play great on the road, but this is in a dome, so I think he will be able to patch together a good game as the Saints pull off the upset in Week 1.
Dallas Cowboys (-4) over NY Giants. It comes down to this. Ezekiel Elliott is now going to be able to play and I don't think that Odell Beckham will be able to suit up as he battles an ankle injury. Eli Manning has struggled against the Cowboys and without OBJ, I don't think that will change this week. I like the Giants defense, but the Cowboys will be a little too much for them as they get off to a 1-0 start in 2017.
Oakland Raiders +2.5 over Tennessee Titans. While I have picked the Titans to win the AFC South, The Raiders are one of the teams that I think can make a run at the Super Bowl. I really feel that I will pick the Raiders at any point where I am getting points. I love, love, love me Derek Carr and I think the Raiders win this game by six points.
Los Angeles Rams -3.5 over Indianapolis Colts. I have zero confidence in anyone the Colts put under center that isn’t named Andrew Luck. I have no idea how they are going to move the ball enough to score points against a pretty solid Rams defense. I like Todd Gurley to get off to a great start here and the Rams to beat the Colts by ten.
Green Bay Packers -3 over Seattle Seahawks. I think the Shehawks are gonna win a lot of games against subpar teams, but I don’t think they will have enough offense to hang with the Packers. Seattle’s offensive line and suspect running game will hold them back and while Seattle’s defense is good, it won’t be good enough to hold back the Pack.
New York Giants +4 over Dallas Cowboys. This doesn’t mean that I think the Giants will win, but I just think four points is one too many. The Giants and Cowboys almost always play close, and this game will be no different. Zeke Elliott will be in there, but the G-Men are one of the best defenses in the game. I don’t know who is going to win, but I believe it will be a three point game so give me New York.
Buffalo Bills -9 over New York Jets. The Jets suck assholes, and with Tyrod Taylor starting Buffalo should have little trouble keeping the Jets pathetic offense under wraps. Look for Shady McCoy to score more points than the entire Jets team.