Five Game Parlay: Week 16
We are down to the last two weeks of this competition, and Sawyer left the door wide open for the four other dopes playing this game, but yet again we stumbled, bumbled, and fumbled over ourselves trying to get through that door. It is five hours before kickoff, so I’m not gonna ramble anymore, let’s just get to the standings and picks!
Christmas, shristmas! Other than getting presents, there is no other redeeming quality of this crappy holiday. Give me Halloween over Christmas any day! On Halloween you get to watch your favorite horror flicks, so in honor of Halloween, I’m picking this week based on my favorite horror movie. (Note from Sawyer’s dad...this kid really knows all these characters/movies somehow. I think it’s time to limit his YouTube access).
Pittsburgh Steelers (-10.5) over Houston Texans. One of my favorite horror stars is none other than the Candyman. He was a badass and when you think the the Candyman, what do you think of? The correct answer is bees. I also think of bees when I see the shitty colors of the Pittsburgh Steelers uniforms...especially their throwback unis. While I think Mike Tomlin is a good coach, I’m left wondering how much better the Steelers would be if Tony Todd were calling the plays. Plus, he has a hook for a hand...how cool is that!
Los Angeles Rams (-6) over Tennessee Titans. I creep my mom and dad out all the time when I sing the Freddy Krueger song. You know the one, “One, two Freddie’s coming for you. Three, four better lock your door”. My dad says that Freddy’s face is deformed from a fire, but I say he has a “brain face”. Well, I think Sean McVay has one of the best brains in football, so I’m going with the Rams over the Titans.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (+9.5) over Carolina Panthers. While we were shopping for Halloween costumes a few months back, I had it narrowed down to two options, the dude from Halo and Chucky. My dad asked me how I knew who Chucky was and I told him to mind his own damn business. Since my mom had the money, she said there was no way in hell she was going to let me be Chucky, so the Halo guy won out. A lot of people call Jon Gruden, “Chucky” and since he was just inducted into the Tampa Bay Bucs Ring of Honor, let’s go with the Bucs in an upset this week.
Dallas Cowboys (-2.5) over Seattle Seahawks. My dad says he wishes I was more like Jason Voorhees from Friday the 13th. Does he want me start hacking people up? No. He says I talk way too friggen much and he wishes I was quiet like slasher, horror legend. It’s hard to link Jason with the NFL, so I guess I will go with a “Jason” Garrett led Cowboys team over the Seahawks.
Baltimore Ravens (-13) over Indianapolis Colts. I love scary clowns! With the remake of Stephen King’s It, Pennywise and the horrifically awesome clowns made a return this year and I absolutely loved it! Who are the biggest clowns in the NFL? Well it’s Colts owner, Jim Irsay and head coach, Chuck Pagano. These nincompoops have the Colts a laughing stock and they are going to get murdered by the Ravens on Saturday.
Minnesota Vikings (-1.5) over Green Bay Packers. No Aaron Rodgers for these last two games, and I don’t like the prospect of Brett Hundley being able to move the ball effectively against this tough Vikings defense. Davante Adams is likely out, Jordy Nelson should see a lot of Xavier Rhodes and the Vikings are second in the NFL against the run, giving up 85 yards rushing per game. The Vikings should win this one easily.
Jacksonville Jaguars (-5) over San Francisco 49ers. Ryan Hallam is going to be mad at me, but I just can’t pick the Niners getting only five points. The Jags have been destroying people and their pass defense could give Jimmy GOATroppolo fits this weekend. Not even Jimmy Jesus is going to be able to save the Niners from getting thrashed in Week 16.
Kansas City Chiefs (-9.5) over Miami Dolphins. The Chiefs finally realized that Kareem Hunt is really good as long as you get him the touches. Hunt has 49 rushing attempts the last two games after only having 47 in the previous four games. Miami only average one offensive touchdown and 11 points on the road this season, and I don’t see them beating that by much in Arrowhead this weekend.
Denver Broncos (+4.5) over Washington Redskins. Let’s look at how the Redskins have been playing. Over the last four weeks, Kirk Cousins hasn’t finished as a top 16 fantasy quarterback. As a team, they have only rushed for 50 yards a game in their last three games and in those three games they are dead last in plays per game. This week they are going against the Broncos who are fourth against the run and second against the pass in terms of yards given up. This could be a bloodbath.
New Orleans Saints (-5) over Atlanta Falcons. Matt Ryan has been one of the most disappointing players in football this season and I don’t see him rebounding this week in a tough matchup on the road against the Saints. Julio Jones should see a lot of talented cornerback, Marshon Lattimore and I think the combo of Mark Ingram/Alvin Kamara are going to run wild against the Falcons.
Minnesota Vikings -1.5 over Green Bay Packers. Division game with very little on the line for the Vikings. With Aaron Rodgers officially done for the season, so are the Packers playoff chances.
Dallas Cowboys -2.5 over Seattle Seahawks. Zeke is back and the Cowboys are going to NEED him to perform if they want to keep their playoff hopes alive! Unlike how Zeke being away these past 6 games KILLED my fantasy team! (Sad face)
Los Angeles Rams -6 over Tennessee Titans. Rams are looking to go into the playoffs strong while at the same time ending the Titans hopes of even making the playoffs.
Jacksonville Jaguars -5 over San Francisco 49ers. Are you starting to see a pattern here of playoff bound teams wanting to jog into the playoffs instead of limping? Yeah, me too. While the 49ers definitely have somethings to be hopeful about going into this offseason, the Jaguars are already a lock to do something they have not done in a LONG time, make the NFL playoffs.
Pittsburgh Steelers -10.5 over Houston Texans. I’m still mentally drained for the last second loss the Steelers were dealt at the hands of the Patriots. But, both the team and I will get over it and move forward. On Christmas Day, it’s up to the powers that be to prove to me what I was taught growing up as a child; Santa is a Steelers fan and goes out of his way to reward the Steeler faithful on Christmas. Also, that he leaves coal for Bengals, Ravens and Browns fans…
Minnesota Vikings over -1.5 over Green Bay Packers. The Vikings are going to destroy Green Bay, even if they decide to sit their starters. In Minny, this defense is marking time and chomping at the bit in this interdivisional battle with the Vikings hanging a top-10 passing offense out there to go along with the two headed running back combo of McKinnon and Murray. Just imagine if Dalvin Cook was healthy and Laquon Treadwell stayed in school and matured properly how potent this offense would be. Enough of my day dreaming, Vikes Cover.
Kansas City Chiefs -9.5 over Miami Dolphins. The Chiefs host the Dolphins, and I see Kareem Hunt accumulating 200 plus total yards in this match-up. With the Phins giving up the fourth most points to opposing running backs, combined with how well the Chiefs offensive line has been playing, Kareem Hunt, all day long. Chiefs cover the nine and a half.
Carolina Panthers -9.5 over Tampa Bay Buccaneers. The Panthers are also nine and half point favorites at home versus the dismal Tampa Bay squad, who fantasy wise hung me out to dry this year, Mike Evans, Jamies Winston, I’m looking in your direction. Anyway enough of my labors, Cam Newton was the leading passer last weekend with 263 yards and four touchdowns, and Greg Olsen is back baby, just like Costanza drafting, he struck for one hundred plus yards and score. While Tampa held Matt Ryan in check least week, is wasn’t much of a task since with Falcons ground game did most of the damage. I’m looking at Carolina to cover here, even though I’m not too crazy about that big old spread, give me the Panthers.
Jacksonville Jaguars -5 over San Francisco 49ers. My new favorite team Jacksonville is hosting the 49ers and I actually feel sorry for the 49ers, this is not the Christmas gift they were planning on getting. A fierce spanking, via the hand of the Jacksonville pulverizing defense. I’m still baffled on how this spread is only five points, Yes I said five points. While the Jags defense is not from this Earth, the offense is still living here. Regardless, give me the Jags in this tilt, over the last three weeks Bortles is averaging 301 yards per game and 2.3 touchdowns after a slow start, old Blake could be your crowning achievement for your title games this weekend. Just keep your eyes on the injury updates, Jags running back rookie Leonard Fournette is still questionable and one to keep a close eye on. Do we trust the other rookie, flavor of the month Dede Westbrook after the sour taste he left in our mouth s last week with his two reception, 21 yard failure? I trust one thing, and that’s the Jags defense, and you should as well and take the five like I am on Jacksonville.
Dallas Cowboys -2.5 over Seattle Seahawks. Lastly, I love the two and a half points the Cowboys are favored by at home this week, even against the mighty Seahawks. Zeke Elliott is back from his six game suspension and this should make the beat up Hawks secondary keep eight in the box, and try to stop Elliott, while letting Prescott to try and beat them with his play. I think he will, and also think Elliott has a lot to prove after this suspension, so give me the Cowboys in this match-up. The Rams absolutely destroyed Seattle last weekend, and I’m looking for Dallas at home to give the fans a nice stress free beat down on a top contender over the last six season. Dallas Covers, plain and simple.
I’m playing Fantasy Alarms Nate Miller in our Fighting Chance Experts Shootout Championship game also this weekend, where I’m favored by a solid 43 points, I’ll take Nate to cover the 43, but the trophy is staying at Fighting Chance Headquarters on the top floor of the NFL Intelligence Building on my desk!
San Diego Chargers -7 over New York Jets. The Chargers offense has been a totally different team in the second half of the season, and their defense should leave Bryce Petty in the fetal position sucking his thumb for most of the game wishing that he wasn’t out there. I think the Bolts can win this one by 20.
Los Angeles Rams -6 over Tennessee Titans. I have loved the Rams all season long and I NEED Todd Gurley to give me one more monster fantasy Sunday. I watched my Niners squeak out a win against the Titans last week, so the Rams should be able to bowl them over easily.
San Francisco 49ers +5 over Jacksonville Jaguars. Can Jimmy G keep this magical run going? Honestly I don’t know, and I really don’t see them winning this. However, I am so caught up in the excitement with the new quarterback that I’m starting to think anything is possible. Of course, I am tied for last place, so maybe what I think isn’t very smart. Either way, I am hoping for a Christmas Eve miracle and a Niners win.
Cleveland Browns +6.5 over Chicago Bears. This one is probably stupid, but when I’m sitting in the basement I have to make some interesting picks that no one else is going to do to pick up ground. The Browns have been close in a decent number of games this year, and the Bears aren’t that good. Give me the Browns to at least keep it within six.
Pittsburgh Steelers -10.5 over Houston Texans. Hey, if Ron’s mom said that Santa always tries to make Steeler fans happy on Christmas, who am I to argue with Ma Dukes? Plus the Texans have COMPLETELY mailed in this season, and look like a steaming pile of crap on the field. The Steelers need this one to keep that first round bye and they should smoke the Texans.