Five Game Parlay: Week 16
We have a new leader in the clubhouse! I don’t have the patience to go back and look when the last time that Joe Gallina wasn’t leading this competition, but after weeks of nipping at his heels, Steve has caught Joe and now has the lead with just two weeks to go. This one will come down to Steve and Joe as the other three have no chance. It’s a race to the bottom as Ryan, Drake, and Polka all have had tough years, and none want to come in last. Who will win the Sacko? Let’s see the standings and the picks!
Steve 38-35-2 (4-1)
Joe 36-38-1 (1-4)
Ryan 33-39-3 (1-3-1)
Drake 33-41-1 (1-4)
Polka 32-42-1 (2-3)
Baltimore Ravens (+4.5) over Los Angeles Chargers. The Ravens have a tough defense and it isn’t going to be easy for the Chargers to move the ball with Keenan Allen questionable. While Melvin Gordon is back, I’m not sure he’s at 100%, so I don’t know if he will be able to get their rushing game going either. It could be hard for Philip Rivers to lead this team to victory by himself.
Buffalo Bills (+13) over New England Patriots. We all know now that Josh Gordon is probably out of the league forever, but I would have taken the Bills even if Gordon was playing. Per Rich Hribar on Rotoworld’s Worksheet, Buffalo allows the fewest yards from scrimmage per game to opposing skill position players (305.4 yards). Tom Brady hasn’t looked like the same Tom Brady we have seen in previous years, and Buffalo allows the fewest pass yards per game (200.6) against them. I think the Bills cover the 13-point spread rather easily.
Minnesota Vikings (-5) over Detroit Lions. The Lions stink.
Atlanta Falcons (+3) over Carolina Panthers. Cam Newton being out means that Tyler Heinicke will be under center for the Panthers the next two weeks, and who knows what we will get from him. He only has five career NFL pass attempts and only played one season of NCAA football as he started 12 games for Old Dominion in 2014. That doesn’t make me feel good about Carolina’s offense going forward.
San Francisco 49ers (+5) over Chicago Bears. I think the Bears could be in for a bit of a let down week as they clinched the NFC North over their division rival, Packers last week. Now they fly across the country to take on a scrappy 49ers team. They may win, but I think the Bears struggle to cover.
Buffalo Bills +13 over New England Patriots. The Bills have spunk and let’s face it these aren’t your big brothers Patriots. The Pats took a chance on Josh Gordon and it didn’t work out. That doesn’t usually happen to the Pats. There’s just something missing here. The Pats win but don’t cover…oh and let’s wish Gordon the best. Some things, like a person’s life, are bigger than football.
Dallas Cowboys - 7 over Tampa Bay Buccaneers. The Cowboys are coming off of an embarrassing loss and the Bucs have scored 26 points in their last two games and have lost six straight on the road. The Cowboys need this game.
Cleveland Browns -7 over Cincinnati Bengals. The Bengals have given up 30 or more points six times this season, including the 35 that the Browns dropped on them in Week 12. About the only piece to their offense that the Bengals have left is Joe Mixon. He’s a nice piece but he’s no Superman.
New York Jets +3.5 over Green Bay Packers. Aaron Rodgers is going to play despite being limited by a groin injury. How much of his heart is really in this game? The Packers are going to finish the season 0-8 on the road.
Pittsburgh Steelers +5.5 over New Orleans Saints. I foresee a high flying, high scoring game. The Saints will probably win, but they won’t cover the spread. Interesting stat to support my argument: the Steelers are 4-0-1 vs. the spread in their last five games following a game in which they’ve covered. Does that make sense? Well anyway, that’s really good.
Tennessee Titans -10.5 over Washington Redskins. Are the Redskins even a real fucking NFL team anymore? They should be barred from the league for letting their quarterback situation get this bad where they aren’t actually fielding a professional. The Redskins won’t score ten, nevermind stay within ten.
Miami Dolphins -5 over Jacksonville Jaguars. Speaking of shitty teams, the Jags have also completely fallen apart. I am really not a huge fan of the Dolphins, but they are still in the playoff hunt, while the Jags are just waiting for the end of the year. Give me Miami.
Cleveland Browns -7 over Cincinnati Bengals. Man there are a bunch of teams that have given up already aren’t there? The Bengals suck something awful, while the Browns are trying to prove they are no longer the doormat of the NFL. I think they beat the Bengals by two touchdowns.
Indianapolis Colts -9 over New York Giants. The Giants suck, Odell is pussing out again this week and not trying to play, and the Colts are playing great football this season. New York has nothing to play for and I can’t believe they will actually put forth any sort of effort this week. Give me my man Andrew Luck and the Colts.
Carolina Panthers -3 over Atlanta Falcons. My dad always told me when it comes to betting football games that if it seems too good to be true, it probably is. No Cam Newton and the Panthers are still favored? I pull the lines on Tuesday to give these lazy ass slackers time to make their picks so I’m sure this isn’t the point spread anymore, but it was on Tuesday. Everything points to this being an easy roll for the Falcons, so maybe it isn’t? Christian McCaffery gains 3,000 all purpose yards, scores 10 times and the Panthers cover! Probably not, but I can’t win this competition anymore so why not?
Tennessee Titans -10.5 over Washington Redskins. Titans giving 10.5 wow. I'll take it. The Redskins are dead. Josh Johnson? Mark Sanchez? Stop it. This game is another Derrick Henry slugfest. I can't see Washington scoring 10 let alone covering it.
New England Patriots -13 over Buffalo Bills. 13 is a MASSIVE number but I can see the Pats being so pissed off at how they played vs the Steelers that we get angry Brady. That spells disaster for a Bills team who has no RB, barely a pulse at WR, and a 1940's wing T Quarterback. Give me the Pats to turn it around and hang a big number.
Seattle Seahawks +2.5 over Kansas City Chiefs. Game is in Seattle. The Chiefs give up a boat load of fantasy production to opposing RB's and the Seahawks are going to run this ball down their throats. Same game plan that we saw the Ravens use vs the Chiefs. Ball control and time of possession will be their focus.
Atlanta Falcons +3 over Carolina Panthers. This one is EASY. Cam Newton isn't playing. Falcons are playing well on offensive of late. Give me the dirty birds to win outright. Matty Ice throws for 275 and 2.
Miami Dolphins -5 over Jacksonville Jaguars. The Jaguars are a dumpster fire. The QB is clueless. The RB doesn't want to play. The coach is a moron. Dolphins win by 10 at home.
First off, I want to thank Lawr Michaels for giving me an opportunity to spew my hockey expertise on your unknowledgeable asses for two years at Mastersball, we ended on non-speaking terms because I acted like a child, however I’m eternally grateful to him for letting me speak my jaded mind, the fantasy world lost a giant in you, thank you for the lessons and insight, you were the king.
Los Angeles Chargers -4.5 over Baltimore Ravens. Now let’s get to my picks, first off I’m riding my Chargers, and I will only refer to them as that because they belong in San Diego, put your asses in the seats and not the beaches with all the Betty’s and they still may be there. They are 4 ½ point home favorites while hosting the stellar defensively Raven’s. Murder-More might be able to slow these Chargers, but will never stop them, and the Chargers cover-
Houston Texans -1.5 over Philadelphia Eagles. Next, we have the Texans visiting the city of brotherly love, to play the defending Champs, who have not been close to last season’s Eagles while dealing with numerous injuries and a tougher schedule. The Texans are favored by 1 ½ points, not much, but I just don’t trust this Eagles team, they throw curves when it should be fastball and fastball when it should be curve…Jeez do I miss baseball already? Texans Cover 1 ½ -
Detroit Lions +5 over Minnesota Vikings. The Vikings come into the Motor City as 5 point road favorite, I’m equally as frustrated with the Lions as Eagles fans are with their squad, but they have a Super Bowl title to hang their helmets on. This is a game where the Lions will probably play there asses off and win by ten, I’m taking the Lions to keep this one close and cover the five spot, and if they don’t I may end up sicker than I currently am, go Lions.
Chicago Bears -5 over San Francisco 49ers. On the other left coast the Bear head into Frisco as a five point road favorite as well, but in this tilt I’m taking the Bears to not only cover, but kill the 49ers, sorry Ryan, we both have Debbie Downer teams…with reservations! Tarik Cohen is my dark horse MVP candidate. He has been nails all freaking year, and I’m expecting more of the same this week. Bears cover 5-
New Orleans Saints -5.5 over Pittsburgh Steelers. Lastly let’s head to NORLENS where the Saints are hosting the dinged up Steelers. Here’s a fact, Big Ben sucks on the road, another fact, they can’t stop shit, and lastly, the Saints will cover the 5.5 at home in very hostile conditions for opposing teams. This will be a fun one to watch if everyone plays though, a ton of mega-talented players to put on an offensive fireworks display., but the Saints still cover the 5 ½ -