Five Game Parlay: Week 3


Two weeks of the Five Game Parlay are already in the books! This week we had two people score a 4-1 record, while our other three competitors were all under .500. Steve laid the biggest egg of the week when he had just one win and that was with the Dolphins. If it wasn’t for Jay Cutler’s play, Steve would have put up the first goose egg of the year. For the second straight week both Ron and Patrick were 2-3. These guys just need a break or two to go their way and they will start making up ground. The early rivalry seems to be between me (Ryan) and Steve’s foulmouthed little shit of a son, Sawyer. Yes, I know what I just called a four year old, but it’s true! We both went 4-1 this week, and early on we are head and shoulders above the pack.

As we head into Week 3, let’s take a look at the competitor’s picks and the standings with last week's results in parenthesis

Ryan      7-2-1 (4-1)
Sawyer 7-3 (4-1)
Ron       4-6 (2-3)
Patrick  4-6 (2-3)
Steve    3-6-1 (1-4)

Ryan’s Picks

Baltimore Ravens -3.5 over Jacksonville Jaguars. I know the Ravens haven’t exactly played the stiffest of competition yet, but the competition remains fairly flaccid this week when they play the Jaguars. The Ravens D has allowed just ten points in two weeks, and I can’t say I’m confident that Blake Bortles is going to be able to put up many points against Baltimore. I see this one being a ten point win for the Ravens as they move to 3-0.

Pittsburgh Steelers -7 over Chicago Bears. After keeping it close with the Falcons in Week 1, the Bears showed their true colors in Week 2 and those true colors are all bad. The Steelers rolled the Vikings without Sam Bradford, and the quarterback play from their opponent won’t be much better this week. I expect Le’Veon Bell to have his first huge game of the season and the Steelers to win by at least two touchdowns.

Miami Dolphins -6 over New York Jets. I might just pick against the Jets every week. They were blown out of the building last week by the Raiders, and while the Dolphins aren’t the Raiders, they are a good football team. The Jets offense is so shitty that even shit is like “damn, that stinks!” This has been a great rivalry over the years, but right now I think the Dolphins are far superior. Even in New York I think the Fish win by double digits.

Detroit Lions +3 over Atlanta Falcons. As much as I hate rooting for Steve’s Lions and making him happy, I think this line is crazy. The Lions have played two very good games, and yet they are three point underdogs at home? I get the Falcons laid the smack down on the Pack last week, but I still don’t think Atlanta will match last season’s success, and I can see the Lions winning this one outright at home.

New York Giants +5.5 over Philadelphia Eagles. I am fairly confident that the Giants aren’t as bad as they have shown over the past couple of weeks. I’m also fairly confident that they won’t fall to 0-3. Odell Beckham Jr has to help the healthier he gets, and the Giants D should be able to hold down Philly. If Eli can find any sort of rhythm I see the Giants winning this one outright.

Sawyer’s Picks

Oakland Raiders (+3) over Washington Redskins. Here's why I think the Raiders will win this week. Ryan thinks that Kirk Cousins will be the quarterback for his Niners and that means that I am hoping he sucks this year and ruins Ryan's plans. Go Raiders!

Miami Dolphins (+6) over NY Jets. Back in the day, there was this chump, Jonesy (@funnyjones), who was in this Parlay competition. He thought he was funny, but honestly, I just didn't see it. Now this knucklehead is doing something called "Weird AF News" and what's weird to me is that the Jets couldn't compete with my Pee Wee football team, yet alone an NFL team like the Dolphins. I think this one finishes with Miami beating the Jets by a score of 84-0.

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We asked Sawyer to do his best Eddie Lacy impression. Here is what he came up with.

Tennessee Titans (+3) over Seattle Seahawks. The was a very emotional piece that came out this week about Eddie Lacy and his battles with weight. I can't read yet, but I'm sure he got several people to like him a little better. Not me. Eddie Lacy sucks, the Seahawks suck and the rest of these losers in this Parlay suck. Titans win.

Atlanta Falcons (+3) over Detroit Lions. Hahahaha. My dad just told me that he thinks the Lions are going to beat Atlanta this week. I can't wait to watch that vein on his forehead start to pop out in the first quarter as he watches this game and realizes how stupid he is for being optimistic about the Lions.

Philadelphia Eagles (+5.5) over NY Giants. The fall is here and that means it's almost time to head to the pumpkin patch. I also love to watch Charlie Brown and the Great Pumpkin Patch and every time I watch it, I see Charlie Brown and it reminds me of those big headed, Manning brothers. Eli is going to get smoked again this week.

Ron’s Picks

Green Bay Packers -8.5 over Cincinnati Bengals. Last week, I along with all the other Jordy Nelson fantasy owners watched in both shock and horror as he left the game and would not return leaving us with a big, fat fantasy goose egg of 0.00 points. Thanks to him and some others who shall not be named (*cough, cough* Brandon Marshall with 2.70 *cough* Ezekiel Elliott with 6.20 *cough*) are why Ryan beat me down HARD last week! But much like me, the Packers look to get back to winning this week as they host the Cincinnati Bengals. Even without Randall Cobb who will be a game-time decision, Aaron Rodgers will still have viable offensive options in Nelson, Ty Montgomery and Martellus Bennett.

Oakland Raiders -3 over Washington Redskins. Remember when the Raiders were the punchline to every sports joke? How their offense was no good, their defense couldn’t stop a pack of pee wee football kids from scoring? Me neither! The Oakland Raiders (Chris Berman voice) are legit with a capital L now. Carr and Crabtree seem to have already found their stride having connected for 3 TDs this season. Oh, and let’s not forget Marshawn Lynch who is still able and willing to go beast mode on any defense foolish enough to stand in his way. Although this matchup is the preverbal coin flip, I like the Raiders to beat the Washington Redskins this week.

Carolina Panthers -6 over New Orleans Saints. Greg Olsen out, Ed Dickson in (Olsen now joins David Johnson on my wife’s fantasy team IR)! I wish Dickson all the best because he’s going to need it in order to play the role of stand-in for Olsen. Still, the best way for him to quickly get accustomed to his role is do it against a less than stellar defense and the Saints defense is just that. After two weeks, they have allowed their opponents to score a combined 65 points! Ouch! Putting points on the board has never been hard for the Saints. Stopping their opponents from doing so has.

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You know it is true! Chant it with me now!

Miami Dolphins -6 over New York Jets. Until the New York Jets show me otherwise, I’ll be closely looking at their matchups hoping to pick some winners. The Miami Dolphins will be playing their second game of the 2017 season during week 3. You know, because of their Week 1 bye. There’s NO WAY this isn’t going to work out for them later this season! I feel divisional games are always more compelling storylines then the rest of the games. While I think this game will be a lot closer than most people think, in the end I’m picking the Dolphins to beat the Jets by more than six points.

Pittsburgh Steelers – 7 over Chicago Bears. Ok, now hear me out! I did not my Steelers last week for two reasons. 1) I wanted the record to show that I didn’t just blindly pick the Steelers every week due to me being a super fan! And 2) See reason number 1. With that out of the way, Ben, Brown and Bell should be able to get the offense rolling this season as they travel to Soldier Field to face the Bears. Side note, my wife and I tried to get reasonably priced tickets for this game and spend our first wedding anniversary in Chicago to no avail. Side side note, Happy Anniversary to my wife Megan!

Patrick’s Picks

Oakland Raiders -3 over Washington Redskins. Oakland will cover the three, even on the road, too much fire power for the Redskins too handle, even with Josh Norman shutting down half the field of play.

Green Bay Packers -8.5 over Cincinnati Bengals. Green Bay at home will embarrass the Bumgals once again.  Even with Jordy banged up, the Cincy D will have no answer against A-Aron Rodgers and crew, as frustration continues to hang around Cincy.

Pittsburgh Steelers -7 over Chicago Bears. The Steelers will dismantle Chicago regardless of Big Ben’s awful home/road splits. As this games totals will be high, Pittsburgh’s total will be much higher than the Bears, who called my fat ass this week to try out for the X WR spot.

Miami Dolphins -6 over New York Jets. Sorry Jets, but me picking on your pathetic excuse of a professional football has players again, than l’ll stop. Revis Island has long been sunk, and even Suck Balls Cutler will shine against the Swiss Cheese D of the Jets. Speaking of the Jets, cheese makers are naming a hybrid cheese after them, stinky as limburgh cheese with all the Swiss cheese holes in it, so accurately named Jets Cheese.


Carolina Panthers -6 over New Orleans Saints. Speaking of putrid smells, it's not stagnant bayou flood waters reeking up the air on New Orleans, that's the Saints own rotting defense, and 100% healthy or not, Cam Newton and crew are covering this spread and then some verse the reborn Aints Defense.

Steve’s Picks

Chicago Bears +7 over Pittsburgh Steelers. For those of you that listen to MY podcast (Ryan is usually on MY podcast with me), one of the more heated exchanges we've had is when we were discussing Ben Roethlisberger's struggles on the road. Ryan thinks two years of data of poor road performance isn't a trend or large enough sample size, and he consistently tried to talk over me and bully me in submission. I politely asked him to shut his pie hole, but he kept rambling on anyway. People without a valid argument usually try to win debates by not letting the other person present facts. I won that day. I'm guessing those road woes continue and a touchdown is too much for Ben away from Heinz field.

Carolina Panthers -6 over New Orleans Saints. Not only does Ben Roethlisberger struggle away from home, Drew Brees also has his own issues away from New Orleans. He is going to face a tough Panthers defense outside on the grass this week, and Brees could be in for a rough day. I definitely don't recommend him DFS this week. This week could be Christian McCaffrey's coming out party (as an NFL superstar...not as gay), and I think the Saints will get torn apart by the Panthers.

Denver Broncos -3 over Buffalo Bills. Trevor Siemian is finally starting to make a name for himself in this league, as he's gotten off to a good start in 2017. Being that was one of the big questions for Denver going into the season, I think that gives Broncos fans a glimmer of hope for a playoff run this year. Other than LeSean McCoy, Denver has an advantage at almost every position and I think this one could get ugly.

Dallas Cowboys -3 over Arizona Cardinals. I will be brief on this one. Zeke Elliott is going to rebound in a big way this week on Monday Night Football. He was god awful last week and while the Arizona defense is really good, he's going to eat this week.

Indianapolis Colts +1 over Cleveland Browns. This has the makings of a trap game. A lot of people think that without Andrew Luck, the Colts may be the worst team in the league (Jets fans may argue that), and that this a game the Browns can win. I don't think so. It's in Indianapolis and Jacoby Brissette finally has had more than ten minutes to get to know his receivers. While I think this will be the ugliest game on this slate, I will go with the home team.


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