Five Game Parlay: Week 4
Week 3 of the Five Game Parlay didn’t go to plan for most of us. Steve was the best picker of the week, and he only got three out of five. Sawyer sadly pulled a half a game ahead of me after he only got two games right. I had a totally pathetic week where I only won one game, and the team I picked (the Giants) didn’t even win, they just covered the spread. And finally, in what very well could have been a first in the Five Game Parlay, both Ron and Patrick picked the exact same five games. The problem with that isn’t that they both picked all of the same teams, the problem is that they picked five losers.
After such a terrible week, let’s see who the guys picked this week as we all try to get back on track. Oh, and here’s the standings too with last week’s results in parenthesis.
Sawyer 9-6 (2-3)
Ryan 8-6-1 (1-4)
Steve 6-8-1 (3-2)
Ron 4-11 (0-5)
Patrick 4-11 (0-5)
That didn't take long. We are only three weeks into the competition and I am already smoking these chumps! So what does a four year old do to celebrate? Yup, you guessed it. He goes to Hooters to hang out with his ladies! It's alwasy nice for them to see me, so I've decided to make this week's picks a Hooter's theme.
Buffalo Bills (+7.5) over Atlanta Falcons. You can't talk about Hooters without at least mentioning their wings. Since Buffalo is the birthplace of the chicken wing, I'm picking the Bills to upset the Falcons.
Arizona Cardinals (-7) over SF 49ers. There is only one sauce that a person should have on their wings...hot. Ryan and Steve are probably wimps who order "mild", but if you're a real man like me, go for the hot wings. You know where else it's hot? Arizona. Don't give me any of that "dry heat" bullshit. It's friggen hot there in the summer!
New England Patriots (-9) over Carolina Panthers. If you think I'm going to wash down hot wings with milk, you have another thing coming. I'm going to cleanse my palate with an ice cold beer. I'm not going to drink that pansy light beer stuff from the Midwest, either. Give me a Sam Adams and the Patriots from Boston. Mmmmm....Octoberfest...
Miami Dolphins (+3) over New Orleans Saints. In my extensive travels over the four years of my life, I've only found one place on this earth that has women that are more beautiful than Hooters. Miami. Pitbull and I are going to head out to the clubs and maybe I will even leave a few of them for him this time.
Cleveland Browns (+3) over Cincinnati Bengals. If you have ever been to Hooters, you know that their interior decorator must have loved the color Orange, because they put it on everything. With their helmets and color scheme, I still haven't figured out why they aren't the "Cleveland Oranges" instead of the Browns. Browns...stupidest name I've ever heard of.
Cincinnati Bengals -3 over Cleveland Browns. The Bengals came close last week to winning their first game, while the Browns did also. This one comes down to one thing. The Bengals are still a better team, even if they haven’t looked like it yet. They are set to let Joe Mixon run more, and AJ Green is the best player on the field. Give me the Bengals in a close one on the road.
Atlanta Falcons -7.5 over Buffalo Bills. The Bills are coming off an impressive win over the Broncos, but they are going to Atlanta where the Falcons’ offense is in overdrive on the turf. Buffalo has a pretty solid defense, but I don’t think they have enough to keep the Falcons in check, and the Bills offense can’t keep up with Atlanta’s scoring ability. Falcons win by two touchdowns.
New York Giants +3 over Tampa Bay Buccaneers. I picked the Giants last week because I didn’t expect them to go 0-3. While they didn’t win, they did cover the spread, so I’m gonna do it again. I really can’t believe that the Giants will go 0-4 so let’s pick them again to cover the spread against a good Tampa team.
Oakland Raiders +2.5 over Denver Broncos. This one might be a stupid pick, but I like the Raiders this year, and I think I will pick them any time that I am getting points. This is a good divisional rivalry, and while they might be on the road I think the advantage at quarterback gives the Raiders the win.
Pittsburgh Steelers -3 over Baltimore Ravens. When the Ravens and Steelers play each other you can always count on physical, fairly low scoring football. This one is in Baltimore, but the Ravens are also coming off of their trip to London where the Jaguars gave them all pink bellies, swirlies, and wedgies in an embarrassing loss. I expect this to be close but the Steelers should win this one by six.
New Orleans Saints (-3) over Miami Dolphins. In Week 1, the Dolphins were displaced form their homes because of the hurricane. In Week 2, they had to travel all the way to the left coast to play the Chargers. In Week 3, they headed north to get schellacked by the Jets. Now in Week 4, they get to earn a few more frequent flyer miles as they head across the pond to play the Saints in London. It's time for all this travel to catch up with them.
New England Patriots (-9) over Carolina Panthers. Here's one thing I know about the Patriots. They like to take out their opponents best weapon and they do a damn good job of it. Here's where Carolina stands. Cam looks awful and I'm fearful that his shoulder injury is worse than we though. Greg Olsen is out for the season. Kelvin Benjamin is in danger of missing this game after suffering a knee injury last week. That leaves Christian McCaffrey as the guy the Pats will focus on. If they can take him out, who's going to beat them? Jonathan Stewart? Devin Funchess? Ed Dickson? This will get ugly...
Denver Broncos (-2.5) over Oakland Raiders. This is not a good matchup for the Raiders. The Broncos have the defensive backs to take out Amari Cooper and Michael Crabtree. Marshawn Lynch has been completely ineffective and going against a Denver defense who held LeSean McCoy to 41 yards rushing and Ezekiel Elliott to eight yards in the last two weeks. Not only that, but this is a home game for the Broncos! I like the Raiders this season, but this week is going to be tough sledding for the silver and black.
New York Giants (+3) over Tampa Bay Buccaneers. The Bucs have a really good defense in regards to stopping the run, but they have been gashed by opposing quarterbacks and wide receivers. Unfortunately for them, the Giants have one of the worst run offenses in the NFL, but with Odell Beckham, Sterling Shepard, Brandon Marshall and Evan Engram, they can definitely beat you through the air. Janoris Jenkins should be able to contain Mike Evans, so I will take the underdog Giants on the road in Tampa.
Baltimore Ravens (+3) over Pittsburgh Steelers. I feel really good about my first four picks but I'm really struggling with the last one. I guess if I'm not sure, I'm going to stand by narrative that Ben Roethlisberger struggles on the road, so I will take the Ravens to overwhelm him in Baltimore.
New England Patriots -9 over Carolina Panthers. Tom Brady. Ok, next pick. What’s that? You want more? Alright, let’s take a look at his stats: 8 TDs to go with his zero interceptions and 1,092 passing yards in only THREE games! We’re done here, moving on!
Jacksonville Jaguars -3 over New York Jets. I don’t know what happened to the Jags across the pond last week but if they could play every game like that, I’m putting my family’s entire savings on them to win the Super Bowl! Since my wife won’t allow me to gamble away all of our savings (I don’t know why she won’t let me!) I’ll just pick them to beat Jets who shocked the Miami Dolphins last Sunday to secure their first win of the season.
Cincinnati Bengals -3 over Cleveland Browns. In the other AFC North matchup, the one only their fans care about, the Bungles (my bad, the Bengals) travel to Cleveland to battle the Brownies. Sorry, I meant the Browns. The Bengals showed some signs of greatness last week against the Packers and Browns almost left Indianapolis with the W. Someone has to win and someone has to lose. Only if there were a way they could both lose, then we would all win!
Oakland Raiders +2.5 over Denver Broncos. Last week I picked the Raiders to beat the Redskins. I was wrong. I was VERY wrong! That being said, I still have faith in the Raiders. Carr is legit, Lynch is still able to switch into the mode of the beast and Michael Crabtree is still Michael Crabtree. I expect this one to be a lot more competitive than the last one they played but I still think the Raiders leave The Mile High City with the victory.
Pittsburgh Steelers -3 over Baltimore Ravens. “The Ravens must be stopped; No matter the cost” (Stan Bush’s The Touch starts to play). With both the Steelers and the Ravens coming off their first losses of the season, I expect this bitter rivalry to have an extra layer of drama added to it. To quote Optimus Prime, the courageous leader of the Autobots, in the 1986 animated film The Transformers: The Movie, (to this day I still don’t know why that second “the” was necessary) “One shall stand, one shall fall”. After all is said and done, one team shall stand alone atop the AFC North at 3-1 while the other shall fall to 2-2 right above the winner of the Bengals v Browns. Man, 30 years later and I’m STILL quoting that movie!
Cincinnati Bengals -3 over Cleveland Browns. Ok is the week Andy Dalton gets his act together and reminds the NFL about the powerful weapons at his disposal...And yes Cincy does and the easily cover the three they're favored by. For my brother’s sanity, I hope they do, otherwise Grand Rapids is on lockdown as he hits DEF CON #1
Jacksonville Jaguars -3 over New York Jets. I’ll take Jacksonville to whoop the Jets, that young Jags defense has really impressed me thus far, even though New York wil be more flexible with Powell in the backfield than Easter Island Statue Forte. Give me the Jags early and often.
San Francisco 49ers +7 over Arizona Cardinals. I'm not sure what Arizona D is going to show up at home vs the 49ers this week, but give me the Niners to cover here. They've shown me much more than I thought at the beginning of the year.
Los Angeles Chargers -1 over Philadelphia Eagles. I’m taking the Chargers and the one at home vs. the Iggles, Chargers have some defense that works for me, and should be able to win this shootout.
Kansas City Chiefs -7 over Washington Redskins. And My Lock of the Week is the Chiefs at home, sure they're a bit dinged up in the secondary but the Chiefs are extremely tough at home and the Skins haven’t really impressed me thus far, which I hope changes though.