Loserball Picks Week 1
Welcome to Loserball!
The FSGA Elevator Pitch winners in the summer of 2023, Loserball is here and ready for all of the bad things to happen to your football teams. This is the kind of things where bad things are good, and holding penalties that wipe out a touchdown pass will have you jumping for joy instead of hitting the bottle. The idea is fairly simple. You pick three teams a week that will score the most in their 15 categories of suckiness (image below) to have the most points. However, it isn’t just as easy as picking the worst team every week. There are handicaps to each team to make selecting your three Loserball teams of the week a little more complicated.
I have started my own Loserball league, and if you’d like to join send me your email on Twitter (I’m @fightingchance). But they also have a Flounder Bowl which is sponsored by Fantasy Cares and some of the best losers will punch their ticket to #SFB15 if they are bad/good enough! They also have their Pigskin Pandemonium Prize Pool where the winner will win a trip to the NFL city that has the worst team. Last year was Carolina, that isn’t a bad place to hang out. Where will it be this year? Las Vegas? New Orleans? Tennessee? All sound like fun trips, plus there are other prizes based around the worst cities. With all of these chances to win, go to loserball.com or download the app and get in the game today.
With this being a new game, we are all in this together learning the ropes. So who are some of the teams that I think will be good plays this week? I don’t want to give away ALL of my strategy, but let’s dive into a few teams here.
New York Jets. I know everyone LOVES the Jets this year. Barf. I mean is there a franchise that screams Loserball more than the Jets? First, they are going against one of the best offenses in football in San Francisco. Yes, I know they had a tumultuous offseason with contracts, but they still have elite guys all over the place running and catching passes. Every point allowed is a -1 and while I don’t see Christian McCaffrey running for 150 yards, but Brock Purdy was a tenth of a percentage away from leading the NFL in completion percentage and every completion is -1. On special teams, Greg Zuerlein was pretty solid last year, but did miss seven field goals in two of the last four seasons, and he is two seasons removed from missing six extra points in a year. Greg The Leg is good when he is good, but also has gone through some things in his past. The last time we saw the great and mighty Aaron Rodgers he was crumpled in a heap four plays into the game. The time before that was his worst season as he completed 64% of his passes (incompletes are a -1) and had the second most interceptions in his career. He’s also 40 coming off an Achilles injury, which we balk at 20 something year old running backs for having. Are we that sure he is going to come back after not playing really since 2022 and just fire on all cylinders? I have my doubts. Not to mention the Jets were the most penalized team in football last year and each of those will handsomely reward you with -4 points. Throw in the fact that San Francisco is one of the best defenses in football, the Jets offensive line should be improved but has a bunch of new parts, and I think that New York could be a Loserball darling to start the season. Could it be that I hate them? Maybe, but I stand by my points above!
Las Vegas Raiders. I feel like this is an easy one, and a little surprised the handicap isn’t higher. Boy, do they feel like a mess this season. The only part of the game where I feel like the Raiders aren’t Loserball gold is the kicker. Carlson missed four field goals last season, which isn’t horrible, and he was perfect on extra points. I mean, we all like Gardner Minshew and how weird he is and how he kind of reminds you of Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite, but let’s face it he is erratic. He completed just 62% of his passes last season and threw nine picks in just 490 attempts. He has also fumbled ten times in his 49 career games, and while he only lost three of them, if you keep putting the ball on the ground, the other team is going to get it at some point. Who the hell is rushing the ball for this team? Zamir White looked great in limited action last year, but are we sold on him? Or Alexander Mattison? He has busted every time we thought he had a great opportunity in front of him. Their defense allowed just 19.5 points a game last year, and head coach Antonio Pierce certainly has the group playing as well as they can. However, they forced just 22 turnovers in 17 games, which is barely over one a game. I know, I am good at math. They are facing the Chargers and new head coach Jim Harbaugh, and while there are questions on the San Diego offense, they still have a really good quarterback in Justin Herbert. He did lose his two best receivers, but rookie Ladd McConkey and Josh Palmer can still get stuff done against this Vegas defense.
Indianapolis Colts. Now remember, your team doesn’t have to lose to score big Loserball points. I like Anthony Richardson plenty. But the dude completed just 59% of his passes last year, was sacked seven times and fumbled twice in four games. Even if he puts up 35 points, he will likely be very Loserball friendly doing it. Their kicker, Matt Gay, missed a whopping eight field goals last season, that’s almost one every other game! Amazing! They go against the Houston Texans who are coming off a fantastic offensive season and actually got BETTER in the offseason. They now have MVP candidate CJ Stroud at quarterback who is one of the best young talents in the game and threw just five interceptions last season. The Texans are bound to put up a 30 spot on the Colts in this one. With a great potential for scoring Loserball points on offense, defense and special teams, the Colts look like a great option for Week 1.
Atlanta Falcons. Well, if I’m going to rip on one 40-year-old quarterback coming off an Achilles injury, why not rip on both? The Falcons have what looks to be an explosive offense, and Cousins has traditionally had a pretty good completion percentage so they might not look like a great option. However, he has had double digit interceptions in two of his last three healthy seasons, and Cousins was on pace again with five picks in eight games last year. And while the rest of the pieces were there, it is a new quarterback, and again, an aging quarterback coming off a really tough injury. He was getting sacked twice a game last season, and you would think his mobility (or lack thereof) is going to be even further compromised after the Achilles. We view Younghoe Koo as one of the better kickers in football, but he has missed five field goals in each of the past two seasons, and three extra points in the last two years. Atlanta also faces the Steelers who have a pretty strong defense, which could stunt this much ballyhooed offense in the opener. Atlanta did make some improvements to their defense from last year, but they were pretty ass at forcing turnovers (more Loserball points) as they had just 16 takeaways, which was fourth lowest in the league.
Honorable mention: Denver Broncos vs. Seattle; New Orleans Saints vs Carolina
Follow Ryan on Twitter @fightingchance